is this me..?

2008-07-26T12:52:00.000-07:00

You've lived for 27 years wondering why something is so, and someone passes a casual comment and it all clicks into place..somewhat:)

I've often wondered why i rely on approval from so many people while taking important decisions, little decisions, acting a certain way, doing certain things. I want approval from my parents, from my sister, my friends, teachers, the peon, the cleaner, the general person passing by on the road... i need approval. To say "Yea, you're doing the right thing, well done, here you go, a little pat on the back for you".

I've thought about it and i figured, you know, i'm just not too confident about myself. That didn't quite ring true, as I am confident in most occasions in my life... over confident actually... not putting in too much of effort, sailing along, knowing with the utmost confidence that i'll do it, and that i'll do it quite well.

So today, A says " you know Elaine, there are so many facets to your personality. You're different with me, you're different with your parents, with colleagues, with the driver, with X and Y and Z.It'll probably take me a while to get to know you." He meant it as a compliment - and I was thinking Yea, i'm a rockstar, so multifaceted and all.....

And I keep thinking about it, and I realize, this is the reason I need approval from people. I need approval to buy a new car, to have a boyfriend, I want one set of my friends to approve of my other friends....and the list goes on. And the trait that I used to think was my biggest strength - that I could get along with most people, and different sets of people, from the rich to the poor, from the intellectual to the bimbos, from the fashion slaves to the fashion victims, from the profound ones to the superficial ones - it turns out to be my biggest weakness.

Because - I'm slightly different with each set of friends, and to some set, some decision I take will seem incongruous with the Elaine they know. So they tell me, Elaine, this is not you, stop it, you're making a huge mistake. And I back off and say, yea, they're probably right.

So I'm 27 and not sure of who exactly I am. And if I don't know, how can i decide what I want, who I want? How do I have strength of conviction? Everyone else knows what they want, because they know who they are, and because, they don't change for different people.

I think I need to think about myself... alone. Even the people who truly matter to me and who know me well - My parents, my sister, L, S, M, AW, G, SB, - these people have lived with me, and know me, at least a major part of me, but there are some aspects of me they don't know.

So Moral: I know me best. I know whats best for me. I don't need approval from anyone. I can probably take advice, but I will take the decision. And I will not care about people who may think i'm not cool enough for them, or smart enough for them, or pretty enough for them, or drunk enough for them, or whatever... I'm a rockstar anyways;)

out of control

2007-11-06T00:31:00.000-08:00

I feel like things are spinning out of control... my life is passing by in a blurry haze... i don't know whats coming or going.. i don't know the day of the week.
Today i was hit by a situation i just don't know how to handle. How do you mediate between 2 people who are probably the most important people in your life?i've tried it before and i always get caught up in the middle.
I guess its too much to expect that people who are older than you supposed to be more mature, more understanding based on their experiences and things...
I'm just sitting on my chair in office, trying to get some work done... and friggin issues crop out of nowhere, they have issues with each other and in the end no one's talkin to me... for crissake... all i'm doing is sitting in my chair. my sister is the only one who shows sense, poor soul.
i'n tired of pleasing people, doing things for people, listening to people..and i want someone to listen to me without judging me. i was talkin to S about this, because he knows the background and is one of the few people i can talk to, or could talk to, and he helped me resolve it... but not without a " why do you handle situations like this? when are you going to stop trying to please everybody? why are you encouraging this? " i'm grateful to him because he is not obliged to help me... and he offers very sound advice... but is too much just to expect some unqualified support from someone?
i think i'm a reasonably good person. Am I asking for too much? Maybe i am.

2007-09-11T05:11:00.000-07:00

You think you can't move on from a certain phase... you read your horoscope daily in hopes that it will shed some light on your confused life & offer a kind of higher guidance, you try to focus on other things, bitch and whine, gossip about other people's lives... and yet, all the moving on you actually do is at a superficial level. you still come back to base 1. the only thing that keeps you going is that you have a fantastic ability not to dwell on the shitty areas in your life, and a strong sense of self preservation which you try to utilize.

And then you stop trying, you're doing what you have to, going about life in a mundane routine way.... and suddenly you're immersed in another situation you thought you werent ready for... but guess what...you are... and you've suddenly moved on from phase 1 to phase 2. and as with all new phases in your life, phase 2 is exciting, confusing, and occupies most of your thoughts.

And you're happy. not happy in the way of just going about doing things, but exhiliratingly content. so happy that you feel like you've been injected with a 24/7 mood upper. so happy that you appreciate the sun shining even in a place like Dubai where its always friggin shining.

I love life.

lesson: if you think your life sucks, you're bored out of your wits, you cant find a purpose, everything's bloody mundane... just sit back. don't go looking for it, it will come to you... and you're on your happy high once more. And no, i'm not drunk, nor have i taken an overdose of E... i'm just happy. As Owen would say... Life's beautiful:)

Raindrops and roses

2007-03-07T04:13:00.000-08:00

i think the only time i blog if when someone asks me why i don't.

the reason why i started the blogging thing was to vent... and unfortunately i can't.. coz its public, and i really dont want to suffer any repercussions.

Anyways, i've decided to curb my natural whininess and think about all the things in my life that make me happy.

1. i would think that S is the main reason i'm happy in Dubai. i've become quite dependent on him, and must be quite a source of annoyance, but it works for me, so..!!

I was thinking the other day that if S decided he wanted nothing to do with whiny annoying people such as me, i would have no friends in dubai . I quite adore Mr. AW, but he's here and not here... like i meet him rarely, speak to him rarely.. but the good thing is its always the same. then Mr. KG (who i'm quite upset with since he mentioned the acquisition yesterday) i also adore in different ways, his wife is coming this weekend, and then I think KG is gonna be locked up in his house, and elaine will be the last thing on his mind.

and for those who think i talk only about misters, there is also Ms. F who is a nice thing and i also adore her (all this adoration is hard work mind you), she's quite sulky at times, and have to give her her daily quota of attention.

And coming back to S, i quite quite adore him too, such a nice chappie, supersmart, kind, dependable, supersmart, ambitious in a good way, supersmart, has pretty cheeks, though he tends to get on my nerves sometimes with his " I shall reform Elaine even if it kills me" attitude.

WHY DO PEOPLE WANT TO REFORM ME? I'M LOVELY , LOVELY!!!

But, i shall not whine. what else am i happy about these days?

2. I'm happy my sister's sorting out her apps. i want her to do really well, she's very talented, and i want her to learn to stand on her 2 feet. and i think she's working towards what she wants ( i hope) and i'm quite happy

3. N taught me a smattering of French today. As my laptop has crashed like 5 times, i dont feel like working, and have learnt quite a bit of french from him. he rolls his R's like a dog growling, and i shall eventually get there.

4. My appraisal's coming up... i think it will go well, i've worked harder here than i've ever worked in my life, weekends, overnights, never ever done that in my life anywhere! i'm surprising myself actually, i didnt know work could be so much fun. and if course salary increase! yay!

5. Orkut.. my saviour.. have met up with old friends... and people from school and its lovely! I've met LD, NP, NV, and its a very happy scene

6. and last but the not the least folks, tomorrow's the last day of the week. i shall go get a massage, cheer my company cricket team, sleep and sleep and sleep, and read and listen to music. i love my life.

and on that rare happy note, i shall end.

wanna go home.

2006-12-13T23:01:00.000-08:00

i don't think i've ever been busier in my life. or maybe i'm just not used to working hard. whatever it is, these past months of hard work and my viral infection this week, has taken something outta me. am feeling quite giddy nowadays at odd intervals (k says that he always knew that 'dizzy izzy' was justified), and still have a bad cold. Thats probably due to this strange weather. its beautiful, it rains, its cold and slightly sunny sometimes.... just beautiful... not too good for my sinuses though. Never mind, Elaine's a bigger force than the weather and she shall triumph.

K's come to town... and am thrilled. its so nice to have him here. A's here too of course, but i rarely get to see him. K's staying with S just behind my house and its quite comforting to have him around. he's found a place for himself now, and am quite looking forward to his wife coming down. can't imagine him a stable happily married man.

J's got INSEAD. he's waiting for the other school's to close, but if they dont happen he's going. it'll be quite sad i think. he's a great colleague, very hard working, and a nice guy. I used to think he's reserved and moody.i still think he's reserved, but i dont think he's moody anymore. i'm fond of him now, he likes the same music i do more or less, gets my jokes (a lottttttt of people don't) and he's genuinely kind. A very nice chappie overall... why do all the nice people leave????? anyways, i hope he becomes an Ibanker and makes lots of money.. i cant think of anyone who deserves it more than he does. and we shall get him drunk when/if his girlfriend comes to town. though at this point, i haven't a clue as to his location or where he plans to be till the end of this year.

Speaking of christmas and New year what am i gonna be doing in this godforsaken place? havent a clue. i miss my friends. i miss my family. and i want to go home. F's behaving really immature and childish... i can't handle it when people sulk and sulk. A's told me, and so has S, that i do a bad job of positioning myself. most people think i'm this extrovert who loves going out everyday, meeting new people, partying. i don't really. once in 2 weeks is ok, that too not a necessity. i'd rather be home with family/friends, or read a book, or watch a DVD. F used to think I was exactly like her...maybe thats coz she's only seen me for short periods of time, and those days i was on holiday. nowadays, sleeping for 8 hours and waking up to get up work is more important than going out and meeting new people. Though i'm not introvert from any angle, i have enough friends.. and i'd rather stay in touch with them than meet new people. i mean you meet people everyday, why dyu have to go out and consciously meet people? She's going through a different phase in life.. and she thinks i should go through it too.

2 lessons for this week.
1. Manage expectations. From the beginning of any relationship, friendship, whatevership, show em your true self. there is no need to go with the flow to be accomodating. you are you and if people like you less, screw them
2. Handle perceptions. its all about how you project yourself and how people perceive you. start setting it right.

a question for anyone who's crazy enough to go through this long post and reach the end.

What is maturity?

random thoughts...

2006-10-16T05:16:00.000-07:00

old sayings may be passed off as passe, but am a firm believer in the saying which tells you not to put people on a pedestal because sooner or later... they come crashing down. have always preached about it to others....but there are some people you will always believe are not capable of certain acts.... but trust me, they are.
On the other hand..... are there clearly defined rights and wrongs? are there certain things we know absolutely are wrong? a certain person told me the other day, that people are inherently not bad. no one wants to be hated. circumstances make you behave in certain ways. maybe that is not justification, but then in the world we live in, the last thing we can talk about is justification for everything thats happening. all you can do is try and understand why they behave that way... whether you want to forgive them or not is upto you
the blocking mechanism is the best
dependency on people is killing. you have only yourself. again 2 ways.... you're will probably be let down some way or the other..... but then again, why do we expect things from people? just coz people are there for you now doesnt mean they're obliged to be there for you later. be grateful for what you get?
and amidst it all, your mundane life goes on.

am gonna get kicked outta here.........!

2006-09-19T04:03:00.000-07:00

why are the muslims upset?

Because Pope Benedict quoted some literature that branded Islam as 'a religion of the sword'
The text also said some teachings of the Prophet were 'evil and inhuman'

ok, i suppose any person would be upset at having his religion, beliefs and everything he holds sacred considered evil/inhuman.

So what do they do?

they burn down churches, harm and kill a few people. why? to prove that they're not inhuman, that they're good, and Islam is a religion of peace?

apparently, the Pope "has a dark mentality that comes from the darkness of the Middle Ages. He is a poor thing that has not benefited from the spirit of reform in the Christian world." Is it the Pope who preaches the cutting off the hands of a robber, the tongue of a slanderous person? And he's medieval?

i don't understand. Do people lie to others... or have they reached such a state of delusionment that they lie to themselves and justify anything they do?

I always thought people practised a religion because they believe in a God/s, religion is supposed to bring peace. Islam, Christianity ... such beautiful religions. what kind of monsters are we who can kill, sodomize, lie? and profess to believe in a greater god? how did it get that we've twisted around beautiful words to give them awful barbaric customized meanings?

I think i should shut up before i'm kicked out of this country.

my life right now..

2006-08-31T11:46:00.000-07:00

right now, my life comprises of...

missing my sister
loads of projects at work,
vagueness
flu & tonsilitis
confused like-love state

a little down with the flu, but generally content... life's all right.

happy days..

2006-08-16T06:13:00.000-07:00

am soooooooo thrilled...

my sister's coming to town... must concentrate on my work and not think of sisters coming to town or J and P will have something to say. but my deadline is sunday.. and i can peruse very quickly when i want to, and that reminds me, have to meet with R to finish off the presentation details.. and i'm getting quite sidetracked.

so my sister's coming to town. got her visa done today morning, and she's coming today evening, that was quite harrowing... thought i wouldn't get it done on time, but F helped a lot, she's awesome in tight situations, talks to strange people in arabic and pinches me hard so that i give them broad smiles... and keep smiling! ... and gets things done.

however, am a bit broke, i wonder where all my money goes. i had started with an excel sheet like AW, but stopped after a coupla days... its quite shocking, i have quite a bit by the beginning of the month, then by the 15th, its almost gone.. and i don't know where or doing what.

Its so strange to have a certain amount of money that runs out. i never quite thought of it this way, before, i didn't even bother to see how much i spent, coz there was always more where it came from. (i miss my parents, wahhhhhhhh!) However, now, if its over, its over and i'm broke till my next paycheck ya know? its quite unsettling. i really must start that excel sheet again. give me a sense of perspective.

my sister's coming to town. yay! for 15 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! can anything be nicer than that.

2006-08-10T03:07:00.000-07:00

i think my rising sun & moon are not in alignment today... feeling terribly low, and have no reason at all. think am an ideal candidate for a depression. a lot of people don't think i get too depressed... but really, the times when i feel low, there's no real reason for it, at least not a conscious reason for it, and i feel really really really low. and when i'm happy, i'm like on top of the world... again, for no reason at all.i call it moodiness. maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

this post won't really have a structure, as m not feeling very structured. I just wonder sometimes, if 2 incidents hadn't happened in my life, what kind of a person I would be now. very different, i think. i know there's no point in wondering, coz they've already happened, but its very astonishing to think that an experience can affect you as to change a whole aspect of your personality.

things i think i am, probably wouldn't have been if not for the "trauma transforming" (thank you Rajeshwar) incidents, and these things i hope change about me. see. as i'm writing this, i'm writing i hope.. and not i want to or i'm going to. difference?

Am fickle, fickle, fickle. How i hate that word:(
THe self absorption that makes me think my feelings, my moods are most important
Insecurity
cynicism- what do i have a firm belief in, God? Love? Myself?... can't say I do
manipulativeness-its definitely there, if i'm honest with myself.

what right do i have to mess with anybody's life? None.

But do i stop? No.

Why?

Maybe Ego, maybe I don't think i am, or maybe the fact that i tell them "ok i'm a bit nuts, i'm going to mess up with your life" gives me absolution. and its very sad that except for my parents and sister, when it comes to brass tacks and a do or die situation, I would put myself first. this is strongly linked with my fickleness, and unfortunately wanting to change is not good enough. it needs to come from within, and right now my within ain't tellin me nothing. it tells me i'm quite disgusting, but it doesn't tell me how to change. and now at 25, can I?

6. self pity

now i'm about to post my disgustingness for everyone to read, and its scary. but this is what i am. sad, but true.

yakkety yak..!

2006-08-01T04:57:00.000-07:00

its scary how happy i'm feeling today... i dunno, i'm not normally a very morning person, but i've been like thrilled with the world from morning.Maybe its SS. SS drops me to work every morning now, instead of my car lift, and its great. we have fun going to work. He's completely on my frequency and we can talk and talk and talk. or, rather i talk. and i realised that yesterday, coz we went for coffee after work, and i was feeling quite hungry and very moody so wasn't talking much and it was rather awkward. so i'm wondering, all these people i think i get along famously with, is it only coz i like them and talk and talk to them? maybe i'm not getting along with them, ya know, maybe i'm just like... TALKING.

now a question. Do i mumble? in the past week, i've had 5 people tell me i mumble and eat up my words. i've always prided myself on being a clear speaker. clearly, i'm priding myself on the wrong things. anyways, i was thinking of starting a class for people to understand mumblers. after all, there must be so many others like me, who mumble and who r also too lazy to repeat what they say over and over again. i mean..c'mon! yesterday SS was quite annoyed in the morning and kept telling me to speak up and he's like how would u like it if i mumbled? and he mumbled something. and i understood everything. i think thats a talent of mine that hasn't been used to its potential, so i shall work on the business plan, and have AW make excel sheets. and maybe SB can be an advisor on mumblers with american TV accents;)

So, SM, thanks for reminding me i have a blog. i don't have much to say nowadays, coz i'm mostly a whiner? and these days i'm happy. i think SS has somehting to do wit it. and i think i'm talking too much about SS.

NO

2006-07-20T06:47:00.000-07:00

i normally like going out... but there are some days when i'm feeling ugly, or just in a bad mood, or want to be at home and watch television..even on the weekend. why don't people understand that you're not being a spoilsport or an old woman....and its NOT going to cheer you up to go out.. you're just gonna spread the gloom... why do people make it so difficult for you.. and why can i just not say NO?

i try... but lets face it..how many times can you say no... and saying no is not one of my strengths. am i scared people are going to like me less, or will stop hanging out with me or what?

probably.

distant, klutzy and strange.

2006-07-18T05:37:00.000-07:00

i'm quite pleased with myself.. becoming quite a routine ol' blogger... way to go, me!!!

S asks me why i haven't told anybody about my blog... esp when she tagged me. i dunno, i used to never want to blog before or couldn't continue blogging, coz so many things i had to say couldn't be said when u know people are reading it...and the rest isn't important. Esp at ISB, when people live rite next door to you, and they're reading ur blog and they're thinking "God, she's crazier than i thought!!!", or "ohmigod, is she like that!!" ... However, now i've decided i'll say wat i want to say, when i want to say (like i mostly always have) and to hell wid it.

Its quite strange how many people i know, suddenly, with the initial S. SB, who i always knew, btw SB, i must tell you, its quite rude to log off, when people are asking you about ur family in Indonesia, wat with the Tsunami and all. When i log off, i have a reason and you know what THAT is. Then there's SS, SD, SM. jeez! suddenly!

The strangest thing.... A told me he feels I've become distant.. and its such a sense of deja vu. so many people ask me why I've become distant, all the time!!... and its insane, coz i don't feel distant at all. i've always thought that we respond to people, depending on the vibes we get from them. and if am not giving any vibes of at all.. why do they think i'm distant? k, i think i've answered my own question. maybe i should give some vibes, any vibes.

Another strange thing.. i went for sheesha with SS last night, within a space of 3 minutes, i banged my knee on the table almost knocking it half over, then i spilled something on my slipper, then i somehow broke off the top half of the hookah thing, and then i pulled the whole thing down.... on the floor! in 3 minutes! sheesh. terrrrrrrribly embarassing. but SS was very nice about it, he even picked up the coals and put them back, and didn't laugh once. if it had happened to someone else, i would have fallen on the floor laughing. he's quite sweet, really.

K, back to my new world of bureau's, RFP's and coffee. its fun!

i'm peaceful

2006-07-16T04:08:00.000-07:00

Sat up with SS till late yesterday boring him with my petty little life and confusions.... to his credit, he was very sweet, listened to me, gave me some advice which sounded good, bought me juice... and i got home even more depressed. apparently i remind him of scarlett in 'gone with the wind'. she's selfish, wants everybody's men, is clueless, and has temper tantrums. when i told him this, he told me i had temper tantrums and a bit of a clue. hmm.

so today i've decided to become more peaceful... i drank some coffee, ate a very good lunch at the noodle house wit F, unfortunately the more peaceful i get, the sleepier i get. i'm struggling to stay awake here and make some sense of this agreement. thankfully, SM was feeling the same, and J, B and he have gone to get coffee. god bless their souls. If i meet SD today, and he annoys me (which he thrives on), it'll be a bit of a challenge, but i'll stay calm and not hit him. (yes i did a couple of times yesterday, he was really annoying!! and hitting people is a good outlet i think, quite satisfying)

will go stay wth A today, swim a bit, chat for a while, NOT bore A with my usual whininess, i'll tell him interesting stories about other people he doesnt know i think. tho A isn't much of a gossip, i think everyone needs to know what goes on. hereby speaketh the gossip columnist of the class of 2006.

7 o clock, come by quick, haven't finished the agreement, nor the registry thing and m so sleepy.

definitely going back.

2006-07-12T00:30:00.000-07:00

Have to finish so much of stuff.. but thought i'd write my second post... coz this is the first time, i've ever gotten past the first one. yay!

was speaking to my friends today..we were all supposed to be the best of friends..but everyone seems to have drifted apart. why? were we together for as long as it was convenient? just because we were thrown together? i was initially upset coz i wouldn't be close to them and thought we'd lose touch etc... but it would have been much worse if we had been in the same city and couldnt keep in touch. i suppose everyone has different priorities now.

i wonder about N sometimes...why does he do what he does? who are his friends now? who does he hang out with? how close can you get with him? whats happened with his girlfriend? what happened with his ex R? i thought she was so pretty and sweet.. why can't we be happy with the good things we have?? do we gravitate towards people who make us miserable? ah well.

on a happier note, AW came over to my place yesterday.. he got along very well with F, its a very nice feeling to have someone from home... esp since L and M have left.

I miss ISB, i'm definintely going back for Solstice.

again.. and again..

2006-07-06T05:07:00.000-07:00

i think this is the third time i'm starting to blog.. with one post to show for each effort..what is it..why can't i continue anything?

i'm amazed to think my last blog (i forgot my password again) was sept '05 ISB.. and i was cribbing about Investment Analysis.. now i think.. i dunno why i bothered to study for that silly exam.. i did quite badly anyways

at that time i was quite proud of myself coz i used to manage studying for like an hour and then sleep/attend classes/sleep/hang out /sleep. now i think there are so many things i could have done. could have learnt a new sport, could have learnt so much more... but at that point all these activities seem so impossible... and so unneeded.. when you'd rather much sleep. for me, its always a battle between doing anything and sleep. and though anyone would think i'm really really lazy, its not that i sleep because i want to.. its like i need it.. i can't function otherwise.. ask SB, GS, NJ... i'm bloody grumpy and quite nasty.

anyways have started posting coz SB's conveniently tagged me.. so here goes..

i am thinking why am i beginning... again?
i said so many things to myself over the years.. does it matter? has anything changed?
i want to be left alone.. and still be surrounded by people who love me
i wish i could live in someone else's shoes ocassionally...different sorts of people..who's happiest?
i miss my parents, my friends, ISB, my life there, the mirror pool, my comfort zone
i hear more than i should... more than i want to at times.
i wonder if anything is worth it
i regret...i cannot regret.. because i cannot imagine any other way.
i am lost.
i dance when i'm merry:)
i sing sitting on my chair, walking about, in the loo, writing papers.. everywhere.
i cry rarely, coz when i cry hurts i thought i had left behind, suddenly appear
i am not a bad person.. am i?
i confuse myself more than anyone else.
i need to be never left by myself
i should keep this post to myself, because suddenly it seems too personal
i finish almost nothing:).. but i start.. and i start.. and i start.

i tag

nishant... coz i haven't heard from him in a while..
ramkumar.. just coz.