i think my rising sun & moon are not in alignment today... feeling terribly low, and have no reason at all. think am an ideal candidate for a depression. a lot of people don't think i get too depressed... but really, the times when i feel low, there's no real reason for it, at least not a conscious reason for it, and i feel really really really low. and when i'm happy, i'm like on top of the world... again, for no reason at all.i call it moodiness. maybe it is, maybe it isn't.
this post won't really have a structure, as m not feeling very structured. I just wonder sometimes, if 2 incidents hadn't happened in my life, what kind of a person I would be now. very different, i think. i know there's no point in wondering, coz they've already happened, but its very astonishing to think that an experience can affect you as to change a whole aspect of your personality.
things i think i am, probably wouldn't have been if not for the "trauma transforming" (thank you Rajeshwar) incidents, and these things i hope change about me. see. as i'm writing this, i'm writing i hope.. and not i want to or i'm going to. difference?
- Am fickle, fickle, fickle. How i hate that word:(
- THe self absorption that makes me think my feelings, my moods are most important
- Insecurity
- cynicism- what do i have a firm belief in, God? Love? Myself?... can't say I do
- manipulativeness-its definitely there, if i'm honest with myself.
what right do i have to mess with anybody's life? None.
But do i stop? No.
Why?
Maybe Ego, maybe I don't think i am, or maybe the fact that i tell them "ok i'm a bit nuts, i'm going to mess up with your life" gives me absolution. and its very sad that except for my parents and sister, when it comes to brass tacks and a do or die situation, I would put myself first. this is strongly linked with my fickleness, and unfortunately wanting to change is not good enough. it needs to come from within, and right now my within ain't tellin me nothing. it tells me i'm quite disgusting, but it doesn't tell me how to change. and now at 25, can I?
6. self pity
now i'm about to post my disgustingness for everyone to read, and its scary. but this is what i am. sad, but true.
posted by ela1ne1 @ 3:07 AM
14 Comments:
i hv always told u this bubbly. everyone in this world houses a 'devil' within them. but it takes a lot of courage to place this 'devil' in public. you dont see this too often..
and i hv always respect u for this..! no matter who u r...no matter how bad u think u r...or hv become...we hv loved u as an individual...and will continue to do so.
and i guess thats the bottomline..!
ship and aditi, i'm sorry i left u guys in a crappy mood:), but at least i got aditi to get in touch with me:)
think you're right ship, i don't want to make the effort to change, coz it'll take a huge effort..and i'm not sure if i'm willing to let go of something that has worked with me (with ocassional bouts of self disgust in between:))
anyways... an addiction.. thats an interesting way of terming it..
m not an angel from any angle, but thanks for saying so. xo.
warikoo, nowadays i feel ur disappointed in me, or upset or something and it comes out in ways u don't realize.
i think i know what it is.. but some of it i can't help.. coz i am what i am?:(
:)
dont want to discuss this. cause i dont think u know what it is. but jst know tht u mean a lot to me...in ways that are more than obvious..!
Its like a Chipmunk party in here ... Sorry for crashing in ... and BTW I dont have an actual comment coz I didnt understand a thing in the post.. Im just hogging up free Cyber space ..
u can be a chipmunk too ford.. its quite cool, really!!!
Thanks for the offer Elaine , But Ill pass ... I dont see myself as a squeaky furry animal ..
hmmmmm the time it takes to register almost takes away the desire and the thought of wanting to post this. But here goes...
Everyone has their moments of up's and down's. You go thru high's and low's, but the key aspect is you come thru and live on a plain till its time for you next journey.....
I dont know you really well but what I did know and what I got to know, shows a girl (so what if you are 25!!) who does care.. and hey if you were as bad as you thought you were, you wouldnt have had so many friends who care about and love you.
No matter where you are, if its in Goa or in another land, you have a personality that shines thru the darkness and lights up the land. So what if u have bad things, sometimes the bad that we see in ourselves is jst that, what we see in ourselves. we are our own worst critics.
But having said all this, you are right...Change comes from within . How much your desire to change outweighs your desire to do nothing and let it go....that comes probably from you giving yourself time to be still and welcome the thought process....
Man, this is long... i should stop...
I will end with this, You are a GREAT girl Elaine... Who has a lot going for you, Just be +ve and keep you head up, storms come and go but the calm always comes...it always comes......
anonymous - if you don't know me too well... thanks for takin the time out to read my long post.. and thinking about it, and writing me a long comment:)
you're right.. i need to actually take time out, and think, and sort myself out. high time. unfortunately i'm too caught up with the little petty (but necessary) things in life at the moment.
well... will keep u posted on the change.. if.. when.. it comes, and thanks for the nice things u said. dunno who this is but like u already:))
yea ship wonder who it is too.. and u used to look at my computer all the time over my shoulder.. the other things migt not be u, i just wanted to talk about the bed breaking thing and this seemed the best way. hehe.
surprise surprise posting away from NY. Elaine you rock. Please don't be low. ever. Sending you a big hug for those lonely days. Enjoy time with your sis!!
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thank you anonymous person from New york:)
oh boy o boy! loads of make-out highly effective at times like these! :-)
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