my life right now..

right now, my life comprises of...

1. missing my sister
2. loads of projects at work,
3. vagueness
4. flu & tonsilitis
5. confused like-love state

a little down with the flu, but generally content... life's all right.

happy days..

am soooooooo thrilled...

my sister's coming to town... must concentrate on my work and not think of sisters coming to town or J and P will have something to say. but my deadline is sunday.. and i can peruse very quickly when i want to, and that reminds me, have to meet with R to finish off the presentation details.. and i'm getting quite sidetracked.

so my sister's coming to town. got her visa done today morning, and she's coming today evening, that was quite harrowing... thought i wouldn't get it done on time, but F helped a lot, she's awesome in tight situations, talks to strange people in arabic and pinches me hard so that i give them broad smiles... and keep smiling! ... and gets things done.

however, am a bit broke, i wonder where all my money goes. i had started with an excel sheet like AW, but stopped after a coupla days... its quite shocking, i have quite a bit by the beginning of the month, then by the 15th, its almost gone.. and i don't know where or doing what.

Its so strange to have a certain amount of money that runs out. i never quite thought of it this way, before, i didn't even bother to see how much i spent, coz there was always more where it came from. (i miss my parents, wahhhhhhhh!) However, now, if its over, its over and i'm broke till my next paycheck ya know? its quite unsettling. i really must start that excel sheet again. give me a sense of perspective.

my sister's coming to town. yay! for 15 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! can anything be nicer than that.

i think my rising sun & moon are not in alignment today... feeling terribly low, and have no reason at all. think am an ideal candidate for a depression. a lot of people don't think i get too depressed... but really, the times when i feel low, there's no real reason for it, at least not a conscious reason for it, and i feel really really really low. and when i'm happy, i'm like on top of the world... again, for no reason at all.i call it moodiness. maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

this post won't really have a structure, as m not feeling very structured. I just wonder sometimes, if 2 incidents hadn't happened in my life, what kind of a person I would be now. very different, i think. i know there's no point in wondering, coz they've already happened, but its very astonishing to think that an experience can affect you as to change a whole aspect of your personality.

things i think i am, probably wouldn't have been if not for the "trauma transforming" (thank you Rajeshwar) incidents, and these things i hope change about me. see. as i'm writing this, i'm writing i hope.. and not i want to or i'm going to. difference?

1. Am fickle, fickle, fickle. How i hate that word:(
2. THe self absorption that makes me think my feelings, my moods are most important
3. Insecurity
4. cynicism- what do i have a firm belief in, God? Love? Myself?... can't say I do
5. manipulativeness-its definitely there, if i'm honest with myself.

what right do i have to mess with anybody's life? None.

But do i stop? No.

Why?

Maybe Ego, maybe I don't think i am, or maybe the fact that i tell them "ok i'm a bit nuts, i'm going to mess up with your life" gives me absolution. and its very sad that except for my parents and sister, when it comes to brass tacks and a do or die situation, I would put myself first. this is strongly linked with my fickleness, and unfortunately wanting to change is not good enough. it needs to come from within, and right now my within ain't tellin me nothing. it tells me i'm quite disgusting, but it doesn't tell me how to change. and now at 25, can I?

6. self pity

now i'm about to post my disgustingness for everyone to read, and its scary. but this is what i am. sad, but true.

yakkety yak..!

its scary how happy i'm feeling today... i dunno, i'm not normally a very morning person, but i've been like thrilled with the world from morning.Maybe its SS. SS drops me to work every morning now, instead of my car lift, and its great. we have fun going to work. He's completely on my frequency and we can talk and talk and talk. or, rather i talk. and i realised that yesterday, coz we went for coffee after work, and i was feeling quite hungry and very moody so wasn't talking much and it was rather awkward. so i'm wondering, all these people i think i get along famously with, is it only coz i like them and talk and talk to them? maybe i'm not getting along with them, ya know, maybe i'm just like... TALKING.

now a question. Do i mumble? in the past week, i've had 5 people tell me i mumble and eat up my words. i've always prided myself on being a clear speaker. clearly, i'm priding myself on the wrong things. anyways, i was thinking of starting a class for people to understand mumblers. after all, there must be so many others like me, who mumble and who r also too lazy to repeat what they say over and over again. i mean..c'mon! yesterday SS was quite annoyed in the morning and kept telling me to speak up and he's like how would u like it if i mumbled? and he mumbled something. and i understood everything. i think thats a talent of mine that hasn't been used to its potential, so i shall work on the business plan, and have AW make excel sheets. and maybe SB can be an advisor on mumblers with american TV accents;)

So, SM, thanks for reminding me i have a blog. i don't have much to say nowadays, coz i'm mostly a whiner? and these days i'm happy. i think SS has somehting to do wit it. and i think i'm talking too much about SS.