You've lived for 27 years wondering why something is so, and someone passes a casual comment and it all clicks into place..somewhat:)

I've often wondered why i rely on approval from so many people while taking important decisions, little decisions, acting a certain way, doing certain things. I want approval from my parents, from my sister, my friends, teachers, the peon, the cleaner, the general person passing by on the road... i need approval. To say "Yea, you're doing the right thing, well done, here you go, a little pat on the back for you".

I've thought about it and i figured, you know, i'm just not too confident about myself. That didn't quite ring true, as I am confident in most occasions in my life... over confident actually... not putting in too much of effort, sailing along, knowing with the utmost confidence that i'll do it, and that i'll do it quite well.

So today, A says " you know Elaine, there are so many facets to your personality. You're different with me, you're different with your parents, with colleagues, with the driver, with X and Y and Z.It'll probably take me a while to get to know you." He meant it as a compliment - and I was thinking Yea, i'm a rockstar, so multifaceted and all.....

And I keep thinking about it, and I realize, this is the reason I need approval from people. I need approval to buy a new car, to have a boyfriend, I want one set of my friends to approve of my other friends....and the list goes on. And the trait that I used to think was my biggest strength - that I could get along with most people, and different sets of people, from the rich to the poor, from the intellectual to the bimbos, from the fashion slaves to the fashion victims, from the profound ones to the superficial ones - it turns out to be my biggest weakness.

Because - I'm slightly different with each set of friends, and to some set, some decision I take will seem incongruous with the Elaine they know. So they tell me, Elaine, this is not you, stop it, you're making a huge mistake. And I back off and say, yea, they're probably right.

So I'm 27 and not sure of who exactly I am. And if I don't know, how can i decide what I want, who I want? How do I have strength of conviction? Everyone else knows what they want, because they know who they are, and because, they don't change for different people.

I think I need to think about myself... alone. Even the people who truly matter to me and who know me well - My parents, my sister, L, S, M, AW, G, SB, - these people have lived with me, and know me, at least a major part of me, but there are some aspects of me they don't know.

So Moral: I know me best. I know whats best for me. I don't need approval from anyone. I can probably take advice, but I will take the decision. And I will not care about people who may think i'm not cool enough for them, or smart enough for them, or pretty enough for them, or drunk enough for them, or whatever... I'm a rockstar anyways;)