You've lived for 27 years wondering why something is so, and someone passes a casual comment and it all clicks into place..somewhat:)

I've often wondered why i rely on approval from so many people while taking important decisions, little decisions, acting a certain way, doing certain things. I want approval from my parents, from my sister, my friends, teachers, the peon, the cleaner, the general person passing by on the road... i need approval. To say "Yea, you're doing the right thing, well done, here you go, a little pat on the back for you".

I've thought about it and i figured, you know, i'm just not too confident about myself. That didn't quite ring true, as I am confident in most occasions in my life... over confident actually... not putting in too much of effort, sailing along, knowing with the utmost confidence that i'll do it, and that i'll do it quite well.

So today, A says " you know Elaine, there are so many facets to your personality. You're different with me, you're different with your parents, with colleagues, with the driver, with X and Y and Z.It'll probably take me a while to get to know you." He meant it as a compliment - and I was thinking Yea, i'm a rockstar, so multifaceted and all.....

And I keep thinking about it, and I realize, this is the reason I need approval from people. I need approval to buy a new car, to have a boyfriend, I want one set of my friends to approve of my other friends....and the list goes on. And the trait that I used to think was my biggest strength - that I could get along with most people, and different sets of people, from the rich to the poor, from the intellectual to the bimbos, from the fashion slaves to the fashion victims, from the profound ones to the superficial ones - it turns out to be my biggest weakness.

Because - I'm slightly different with each set of friends, and to some set, some decision I take will seem incongruous with the Elaine they know. So they tell me, Elaine, this is not you, stop it, you're making a huge mistake. And I back off and say, yea, they're probably right.

So I'm 27 and not sure of who exactly I am. And if I don't know, how can i decide what I want, who I want? How do I have strength of conviction? Everyone else knows what they want, because they know who they are, and because, they don't change for different people.

I think I need to think about myself... alone. Even the people who truly matter to me and who know me well - My parents, my sister, L, S, M, AW, G, SB, - these people have lived with me, and know me, at least a major part of me, but there are some aspects of me they don't know.

So Moral: I know me best. I know whats best for me. I don't need approval from anyone. I can probably take advice, but I will take the decision. And I will not care about people who may think i'm not cool enough for them, or smart enough for them, or pretty enough for them, or drunk enough for them, or whatever... I'm a rockstar anyways;)

out of control

I feel like things are spinning out of control... my life is passing by in a blurry haze... i don't know whats coming or going.. i don't know the day of the week.
Today i was hit by a situation i just don't know how to handle. How do you mediate between 2 people who are probably the most important people in your life?i've tried it before and i always get caught up in the middle.
I guess its too much to expect that people who are older than you supposed to be more mature, more understanding based on their experiences and things...
I'm just sitting on my chair in office, trying to get some work done... and friggin issues crop out of nowhere, they have issues with each other and in the end no one's talkin to me... for crissake... all i'm doing is sitting in my chair. my sister is the only one who shows sense, poor soul.
i'n tired of pleasing people, doing things for people, listening to people..and i want someone to listen to me without judging me. i was talkin to S about this, because he knows the background and is one of the few people i can talk to, or could talk to, and he helped me resolve it... but not without a " why do you handle situations like this? when are you going to stop trying to please everybody? why are you encouraging this? " i'm grateful to him because he is not obliged to help me... and he offers very sound advice... but is too much just to expect some unqualified support from someone?
i think i'm a reasonably good person. Am I asking for too much? Maybe i am.

You think you can't move on from a certain phase... you read your horoscope daily in hopes that it will shed some light on your confused life & offer a kind of higher guidance, you try to focus on other things, bitch and whine, gossip about other people's lives... and yet, all the moving on you actually do is at a superficial level. you still come back to base 1. the only thing that keeps you going is that you have a fantastic ability not to dwell on the shitty areas in your life, and a strong sense of self preservation which you try to utilize.

And then you stop trying, you're doing what you have to, going about life in a mundane routine way.... and suddenly you're immersed in another situation you thought you werent ready for... but guess what...you are... and you've suddenly moved on from phase 1 to phase 2. and as with all new phases in your life, phase 2 is exciting, confusing, and occupies most of your thoughts.

And you're happy. not happy in the way of just going about doing things, but exhiliratingly content. so happy that you feel like you've been injected with a 24/7 mood upper. so happy that you appreciate the sun shining even in a place like Dubai where its always friggin shining.

I love life.

lesson: if you think your life sucks, you're bored out of your wits, you cant find a purpose, everything's bloody mundane... just sit back. don't go looking for it, it will come to you... and you're on your happy high once more. And no, i'm not drunk, nor have i taken an overdose of E... i'm just happy. As Owen would say... Life's beautiful:)

Raindrops and roses

i think the only time i blog if when someone asks me why i don't.

the reason why i started the blogging thing was to vent... and unfortunately i can't.. coz its public, and i really dont want to suffer any repercussions.

Anyways, i've decided to curb my natural whininess and think about all the things in my life that make me happy.

1. i would think that S is the main reason i'm happy in Dubai. i've become quite dependent on him, and must be quite a source of annoyance, but it works for me, so..!!

I was thinking the other day that if S decided he wanted nothing to do with whiny annoying people such as me, i would have no friends in dubai . I quite adore Mr. AW, but he's here and not here... like i meet him rarely, speak to him rarely.. but the good thing is its always the same. then Mr. KG (who i'm quite upset with since he mentioned the acquisition yesterday) i also adore in different ways, his wife is coming this weekend, and then I think KG is gonna be locked up in his house, and elaine will be the last thing on his mind.

and for those who think i talk only about misters, there is also Ms. F who is a nice thing and i also adore her (all this adoration is hard work mind you), she's quite sulky at times, and have to give her her daily quota of attention.

And coming back to S, i quite quite adore him too, such a nice chappie, supersmart, kind, dependable, supersmart, ambitious in a good way, supersmart, has pretty cheeks, though he tends to get on my nerves sometimes with his " I shall reform Elaine even if it kills me" attitude.

WHY DO PEOPLE WANT TO REFORM ME? I'M LOVELY , LOVELY!!!

But, i shall not whine. what else am i happy about these days?

2. I'm happy my sister's sorting out her apps. i want her to do really well, she's very talented, and i want her to learn to stand on her 2 feet. and i think she's working towards what she wants ( i hope) and i'm quite happy

3. N taught me a smattering of French today. As my laptop has crashed like 5 times, i dont feel like working, and have learnt quite a bit of french from him. he rolls his R's like a dog growling, and i shall eventually get there.

4. My appraisal's coming up... i think it will go well, i've worked harder here than i've ever worked in my life, weekends, overnights, never ever done that in my life anywhere! i'm surprising myself actually, i didnt know work could be so much fun. and if course salary increase! yay!

5. Orkut.. my saviour.. have met up with old friends... and people from school and its lovely! I've met LD, NP, NV, and its a very happy scene

6. and last but the not the least folks, tomorrow's the last day of the week. i shall go get a massage, cheer my company cricket team, sleep and sleep and sleep, and read and listen to music. i love my life.

and on that rare happy note, i shall end.

wanna go home.

i don't think i've ever been busier in my life. or maybe i'm just not used to working hard. whatever it is, these past months of hard work and my viral infection this week, has taken something outta me. am feeling quite giddy nowadays at odd intervals (k says that he always knew that 'dizzy izzy' was justified), and still have a bad cold. Thats probably due to this strange weather. its beautiful, it rains, its cold and slightly sunny sometimes.... just beautiful... not too good for my sinuses though. Never mind, Elaine's a bigger force than the weather and she shall triumph.

K's come to town... and am thrilled. its so nice to have him here. A's here too of course, but i rarely get to see him. K's staying with S just behind my house and its quite comforting to have him around. he's found a place for himself now, and am quite looking forward to his wife coming down. can't imagine him a stable happily married man.

J's got INSEAD. he's waiting for the other school's to close, but if they dont happen he's going. it'll be quite sad i think. he's a great colleague, very hard working, and a nice guy. I used to think he's reserved and moody.i still think he's reserved, but i dont think he's moody anymore. i'm fond of him now, he likes the same music i do more or less, gets my jokes (a lottttttt of people don't) and he's genuinely kind. A very nice chappie overall... why do all the nice people leave????? anyways, i hope he becomes an Ibanker and makes lots of money.. i cant think of anyone who deserves it more than he does. and we shall get him drunk when/if his girlfriend comes to town. though at this point, i haven't a clue as to his location or where he plans to be till the end of this year.

Speaking of christmas and New year what am i gonna be doing in this godforsaken place? havent a clue. i miss my friends. i miss my family. and i want to go home. F's behaving really immature and childish... i can't handle it when people sulk and sulk. A's told me, and so has S, that i do a bad job of positioning myself. most people think i'm this extrovert who loves going out everyday, meeting new people, partying. i don't really. once in 2 weeks is ok, that too not a necessity. i'd rather be home with family/friends, or read a book, or watch a DVD. F used to think I was exactly like her...maybe thats coz she's only seen me for short periods of time, and those days i was on holiday. nowadays, sleeping for 8 hours and waking up to get up work is more important than going out and meeting new people. Though i'm not introvert from any angle, i have enough friends.. and i'd rather stay in touch with them than meet new people. i mean you meet people everyday, why dyu have to go out and consciously meet people? She's going through a different phase in life.. and she thinks i should go through it too.

2 lessons for this week.
1. Manage expectations. From the beginning of any relationship, friendship, whatevership, show em your true self. there is no need to go with the flow to be accomodating. you are you and if people like you less, screw them
2. Handle perceptions. its all about how you project yourself and how people perceive you. start setting it right.

a question for anyone who's crazy enough to go through this long post and reach the end.

What is maturity?

random thoughts...

• old sayings may be passed off as passe, but am a firm believer in the saying which tells you not to put people on a pedestal because sooner or later... they come crashing down. have always preached about it to others....but there are some people you will always believe are not capable of certain acts.... but trust me, they are.
• On the other hand..... are there clearly defined rights and wrongs? are there certain things we know absolutely are wrong? a certain person told me the other day, that people are inherently not bad. no one wants to be hated. circumstances make you behave in certain ways. maybe that is not justification, but then in the world we live in, the last thing we can talk about is justification for everything thats happening. all you can do is try and understand why they behave that way... whether you want to forgive them or not is upto you
• the blocking mechanism is the best
• dependency on people is killing. you have only yourself. again 2 ways.... you're will probably be let down some way or the other..... but then again, why do we expect things from people? just coz people are there for you now doesnt mean they're obliged to be there for you later. be grateful for what you get?
• and amidst it all, your mundane life goes on.

am gonna get kicked outta here.........!

why are the muslims upset?

• Because Pope Benedict quoted some literature that branded Islam as 'a religion of the sword'
• The text also said some teachings of the Prophet were 'evil and inhuman'

ok, i suppose any person would be upset at having his religion, beliefs and everything he holds sacred considered evil/inhuman.

So what do they do?

they burn down churches, harm and kill a few people. why? to prove that they're not inhuman, that they're good, and Islam is a religion of peace?

apparently, the Pope "has a dark mentality that comes from the darkness of the Middle Ages. He is a poor thing that has not benefited from the spirit of reform in the Christian world." Is it the Pope who preaches the cutting off the hands of a robber, the tongue of a slanderous person? And he's medieval?

i don't understand. Do people lie to others... or have they reached such a state of delusionment that they lie to themselves and justify anything they do?

I always thought people practised a religion because they believe in a God/s, religion is supposed to bring peace. Islam, Christianity ... such beautiful religions. what kind of monsters are we who can kill, sodomize, lie? and profess to believe in a greater god? how did it get that we've twisted around beautiful words to give them awful barbaric customized meanings?

I think i should shut up before i'm kicked out of this country.