NO

i normally like going out... but there are some days when i'm feeling ugly, or just in a bad mood, or want to be at home and watch television..even on the weekend. why don't people understand that you're not being a spoilsport or an old woman....and its NOT going to cheer you up to go out.. you're just gonna spread the gloom... why do people make it so difficult for you.. and why can i just not say NO?

i try... but lets face it..how many times can you say no... and saying no is not one of my strengths. am i scared people are going to like me less, or will stop hanging out with me or what?

probably.

distant, klutzy and strange.

i'm quite pleased with myself.. becoming quite a routine ol' blogger... way to go, me!!!

S asks me why i haven't told anybody about my blog... esp when she tagged me. i dunno, i used to never want to blog before or couldn't continue blogging, coz so many things i had to say couldn't be said when u know people are reading it...and the rest isn't important. Esp at ISB, when people live rite next door to you, and they're reading ur blog and they're thinking "God, she's crazier than i thought!!!", or "ohmigod, is she like that!!" ... However, now i've decided i'll say wat i want to say, when i want to say (like i mostly always have) and to hell wid it.

Its quite strange how many people i know, suddenly, with the initial S. SB, who i always knew, btw SB, i must tell you, its quite rude to log off, when people are asking you about ur family in Indonesia, wat with the Tsunami and all. When i log off, i have a reason and you know what THAT is. Then there's SS, SD, SM. jeez! suddenly!

The strangest thing.... A told me he feels I've become distant.. and its such a sense of deja vu. so many people ask me why I've become distant, all the time!!... and its insane, coz i don't feel distant at all. i've always thought that we respond to people, depending on the vibes we get from them. and if am not giving any vibes of at all.. why do they think i'm distant? k, i think i've answered my own question. maybe i should give some vibes, any vibes.

Another strange thing.. i went for sheesha with SS last night, within a space of 3 minutes, i banged my knee on the table almost knocking it half over, then i spilled something on my slipper, then i somehow broke off the top half of the hookah thing, and then i pulled the whole thing down.... on the floor! in 3 minutes! sheesh. terrrrrrrribly embarassing. but SS was very nice about it, he even picked up the coals and put them back, and didn't laugh once. if it had happened to someone else, i would have fallen on the floor laughing. he's quite sweet, really.

K, back to my new world of bureau's, RFP's and coffee. its fun!

i'm peaceful

Sat up with SS till late yesterday boring him with my petty little life and confusions.... to his credit, he was very sweet, listened to me, gave me some advice which sounded good, bought me juice... and i got home even more depressed. apparently i remind him of scarlett in 'gone with the wind'. she's selfish, wants everybody's men, is clueless, and has temper tantrums. when i told him this, he told me i had temper tantrums and a bit of a clue. hmm.

so today i've decided to become more peaceful... i drank some coffee, ate a very good lunch at the noodle house wit F, unfortunately the more peaceful i get, the sleepier i get. i'm struggling to stay awake here and make some sense of this agreement. thankfully, SM was feeling the same, and J, B and he have gone to get coffee. god bless their souls. If i meet SD today, and he annoys me (which he thrives on), it'll be a bit of a challenge, but i'll stay calm and not hit him. (yes i did a couple of times yesterday, he was really annoying!! and hitting people is a good outlet i think, quite satisfying)

will go stay wth A today, swim a bit, chat for a while, NOT bore A with my usual whininess, i'll tell him interesting stories about other people he doesnt know i think. tho A isn't much of a gossip, i think everyone needs to know what goes on. hereby speaketh the gossip columnist of the class of 2006.

7 o clock, come by quick, haven't finished the agreement, nor the registry thing and m so sleepy.

definitely going back.

Have to finish so much of stuff.. but thought i'd write my second post... coz this is the first time, i've ever gotten past the first one. yay!

was speaking to my friends today..we were all supposed to be the best of friends..but everyone seems to have drifted apart. why? were we together for as long as it was convenient? just because we were thrown together? i was initially upset coz i wouldn't be close to them and thought we'd lose touch etc... but it would have been much worse if we had been in the same city and couldnt keep in touch. i suppose everyone has different priorities now.

i wonder about N sometimes...why does he do what he does? who are his friends now? who does he hang out with? how close can you get with him? whats happened with his girlfriend? what happened with his ex R? i thought she was so pretty and sweet.. why can't we be happy with the good things we have?? do we gravitate towards people who make us miserable? ah well.

on a happier note, AW came over to my place yesterday.. he got along very well with F, its a very nice feeling to have someone from home... esp since L and M have left.

I miss ISB, i'm definintely going back for Solstice.

again.. and again..

i think this is the third time i'm starting to blog.. with one post to show for each effort..what is it..why can't i continue anything?

i'm amazed to think my last blog (i forgot my password again) was sept '05 ISB.. and i was cribbing about Investment Analysis.. now i think.. i dunno why i bothered to study for that silly exam.. i did quite badly anyways

at that time i was quite proud of myself coz i used to manage studying for like an hour and then sleep/attend classes/sleep/hang out /sleep. now i think there are so many things i could have done. could have learnt a new sport, could have learnt so much more... but at that point all these activities seem so impossible... and so unneeded.. when you'd rather much sleep. for me, its always a battle between doing anything and sleep. and though anyone would think i'm really really lazy, its not that i sleep because i want to.. its like i need it.. i can't function otherwise.. ask SB, GS, NJ... i'm bloody grumpy and quite nasty.

anyways have started posting coz SB's conveniently tagged me.. so here goes..

i am thinking why am i beginning... again?
i said so many things to myself over the years.. does it matter? has anything changed?
i want to be left alone.. and still be surrounded by people who love me
i wish i could live in someone else's shoes ocassionally...different sorts of people..who's happiest?
i miss my parents, my friends, ISB, my life there, the mirror pool, my comfort zone
i hear more than i should... more than i want to at times.
i wonder if anything is worth it
i regret...i cannot regret.. because i cannot imagine any other way.
i am lost.
i dance when i'm merry:)
i sing sitting on my chair, walking about, in the loo, writing papers.. everywhere.
i cry rarely, coz when i cry hurts i thought i had left behind, suddenly appear
i am not a bad person.. am i?
i confuse myself more than anyone else.
i need to be never left by myself
i should keep this post to myself, because suddenly it seems too personal
i finish almost nothing:).. but i start.. and i start.. and i start.

i tag

nishant... coz i haven't heard from him in a while..
ramkumar.. just coz.